So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
