..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
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