I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Randomize
