shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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