Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Randomize
