I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
