I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize