when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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