all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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