mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
