Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
