ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
