A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
