If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
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