i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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