I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I hope mine doesn't look like that
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
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