Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Randomize
