I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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