Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Randomize
