I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
