There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
