if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize
