I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Randomize
