Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
