when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
