my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
