Kareoke will never be a sober sport
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
