Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
