You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Randomize
