genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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