then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I had to cum in my sink.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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