What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
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