You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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