He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
