the new term for farting is butt boxing.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Randomize
