Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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