Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
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