Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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