Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
