Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Randomize
