did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
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I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
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His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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