Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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