he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
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