Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
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