If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
