It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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