Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
These 25 Normal Couples Tried Porn Moves During Sex And It Ended Horribly
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.