my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
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The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
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I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.