After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
