im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
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