why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
they're like a gay fantastic four
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
