Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
