Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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