I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Randomize
