my mouth tastes like poor choices
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
My liver is preforming stress tests.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
