tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize
