How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
