There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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