My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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