I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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