I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
