I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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