Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
